Sunday, September 20, 2009

An Encore and Special Sunday Memory #1: "Tonight I can write the saddest lines." - Neruda

Last year, on September 30th and the first day of Rosh Hoshonah, my mother, Florence died. She was the inspiration and core spirit of this blog series and its sister video.

However, each year the date of Rosh Hoshonah changes as the Hebrew calendar is lunar. So, as was her life, Florence's death is equally complicated and multi-layered. This year, for Rosh Hoshonah, I've re-posted the three 2008 entries that my sister and I wrote for Florence. On September 30, I'll re-post the freezing cold day our community came out to celebrate her life.

Perhaps such writing is unusual to do in response to the death of a parent, but Florence lived art before she lived anything else. Writing these posts when she died was the most appropriate way we could honor her.

C.O. Moed, 2009

In The Still Of The Night

The call from P. at 2:13 am. Some thing's more wrong than usual wrong.

No! Don't wear that tee-shirt. You like it. You will always remember you wore it this night. Wear the shirt you hate.

The cab driver doesn’t realize Columbia stops going two-ways at Delancey. He tries to speed on the East River Drive service road but hits all the red lights on Grand Street.

Does running fast - through an empty courtyard, on the same stones I ran as a child, past the fountain I sat by - does running fast slow down bad things?

Two years of "normal" changing - from a woman who could walk to the bathroom on her own to this fragile sparrow of ancient skin struggling to breathe her only eye already traveling to other places.

I ask can I take you to the doctor the sound "no" not from parched lips unable to close for fear of suffocation but speaking from gut clinging to home.

After I sing her sutras she sips water.

There is too much distress.

The wishes made ten years ago. What decision can I live with what decision can I not old papers pulled words scratched out other neatly typed reread what decision can I live with what decision can I not? P. listens, tilts her head, raises eyebrows, nods, listens, tilts her head, raises eyebrow, nods...

It is near 3am. Doctor Russia calls back immediately. If it is another flare-up then the hospital can treat it. If it is the end you can get her home you can refuse intubations.

It's win-win I say to P. I’m calling 911.

I ask again you are in so much distress I want to take you to the doctor I promise I'll bring you home I promise you I'll bring you back home I promise and the word “yes” is her trust in me she raised me not to lie.

HE is tall huge like a redwood. SHE is officious. They both stomp around with many big FDNY emergency bags. Two more show up. Such heavy boots. I know the neighbors below must know something big is happening. SHE orders everyone around.

Suddenly my mother is no longer mine. She is THEIRS and I cannot stop THEM or the massive amount of medical equipments flying out of boxes and bags or the law that says the form we didn't fill out means THEY get to do everything. When I hear my mother cry out I snap "no more" or "stop that" or something and one of THEM steps in front of me to keep me from stopping THEM.

The stretcher doesn't fit in the elevator so THEY tip her up. If THEY went a bit higher she'd be on her own two feet for the first time in months.

SHE tries to put me in the second ambulance. "No! I'm riding with my mother." HE makes me ride shotgun, not in the back holding my mother’s hand.

SHE says, "Stop taking pictures please." "I'm not taking any of you, just my mother." "It's breaking HIPAA patient confidentiality." "She's my mother. I am her HIPAA person." "Ma'am, it's breaking confidentiality." I mutter under my breath, "I'll take a picture of my mother if I want to." But I'm too tired, too tired, too tired. "I'll take a picture of the coffee cups instead." The driver grins. My camera malfunctions.

The fundamental things apply
As time goes by

In March, when Florence and I spent 10 hours in the ER (The ER Visit-Part Two: The Walls of Jericho) there was a doctor there some addict was screaming at. I remembered him. Tonight he became Florence's ER doctor.

"Do you understand what that means if we do that?"


"Ok honey, ok sweetheart, I'm sorry, we're almost done, it's a bit uncomfortable, we're almost done..."

"Your mother was biting the tubes.”


"Yes. She didn't want them."

"I'm glad she was biting them."

"Let's make her as comfortable as possible now."

"I want her home."

"This is Dr. Palliative Care."

"What seems to be happening is..."

"Should I call my sister or can we wait..."

"Call your sister, now. Tell her to get here as soon as she can."

"The lab result just came back. It looks like she had had a heart attack and that's why..."

"I'm on the train platform. I couldn't find any cash for a car service."

"Mom, she’s is on the train platform. You have to hang in there until she gets here. You have to. I know you can do it. Hang in there."

"You're looking at the machine to tell you how your mother is doing. I'm going to turn off the machines so that you can just be with her."

"I can't remember the Cole Porter song, You're the Top. I didn't bring her cassette player to play her old songs..."

"Do you know when your sister might get here?"

"My mother will wait. She's going to wait until my sister gets here."

"Here. I just downloaded Pandora on my I-Phone. It's not all Cole Porter but similar. Here, put it by her ear..."

"Mom! She’s is here!"

"Hi Mom."

thank you thank you I love you thank you so much for giving me I'm so grateful for I love you music is the most important thing in my life I got so much from thank you for my passion I'm so sorry so grateful for this I love you thank you so much I love you I'm so sorry I love you thank you

Then softer than, a piper man - one day it called to you
And I lost you, to the summer wind

Near 6:25am, on the first day of Rosh Hoshanna, while my sister and I were taking turns holding her hand, the two of us talking to each other in that allegro molto staccato of words that we've always done, Fred Astaire, Ela and Sinatra playing into her ear from of the I-Phone of Dr. ER, in some brief second of some brief exhale, Florence (Frances) Deutsch Moed died.

My sister and I offer profound gratitude to Pearline Edwards, Ghislaine Carrington, Dr. Portnoi, Nurse Peters, Dr. Pool, Dr. DeSandre and the incredible staff of Beth Israel on both the 5th Floor and in the ER, the many FDNY EMT we rode with, and our incredible friends and her students and neighbors and beloved family who loved, supported, and travel this road with Florence and with us these past two years.


the jodi said...

That was a beautiful tribute. The American calendar changes, but her Yahrzeit remains the same. I have a very close friend who passed on my birthday. I curse him every year for it. I also like that it means I'll never ever forget when I lost him.

Amy said...

That was amazing.

Melanie said...

Great tribute. Tears are now flowing.