Once Again: Just in Time for the the Holidays: Thanking the Problems for Being the Gifts

Originally posted Thursday, November 27, 2008

Years and years and years ago times were, well, not so hotsy totsy. I was urged to make a list every night of three things that I felt grateful for that day.

I thought it was the stupidest thing I ever heard of. If there were things to feel grateful for, I wouldn't be in the shape I was. But desperate for anything better than what was, I did. Often item 2 and 3 were the pencil and the paper I was using.  Sometimes item 1 was that I didn't kill myself that day. Scrapping the bottom of the barrel.

Then one day I noticed a gentle reprieve. Item 4 was the autumn wind and soon 5 was that great cup of coffee.  Each day the list grew. My life soften.


Things got better, things got worse, things got different. Things got real. Life went on.

Then things got, well, not so hotsy totsy. I was urged to thank my problems.

I told the bearer of such advice to go fuck himself. But desperate for anything better than what was, I did. And slowly a rejection turned into a reprieve from a firing line, a disaster led to the perfect place where things ran perfectly, a broken heart broke open bigger and I ended up loving someone else more.

Each obstacle held the gift I always wanted.

I was no fool.  I began to thank my problems. A lot.

Things got better, things got worse, things got different. Things got real. Life went on.

And then things got completely and unequivocally horrible grief loss rage insanity wiping shit off floors begging love not to leave sudden wakings in the middle of the night desperate to have those lost years back desperate not to feel it was all over desperate...



There was nothing to do but thank and thank and thank while pouring out pain like a mother giving birth, not always sure the gift I sought lay beneath such poundings, but thanking just the same.

The more I poured out pain, grief, loss, desire, yearning, unresolved, uncertainty, fear.... pages and pages and pages of thanks poured out too, like kisses that pour out when love invites.

Thank you for this crisis -- it got me to go deeper and recognize the bruised injury....Thank you for forcing me to practice loving even when I was being rejected. It hurt like hell and I was so exhausted from years of crying but I finally emerged from the prison I had always lived in ....Thank you for such sorrowful childhood moments. It taught me to stand in the heart of a crisis, a trauma, a disaster and understand war and choose peace ... Thank you for my desire and my passion. It kept me moving to bigger rather than smaller .... Thank you for the directness of your words, the clarity of your heart ... oh and thank you thank you thank you for that kiss that night .... Thank you for this pain that makes me weep with regret and love fearlessly .... Thank you for such a beautiful home -- it may be filled with decades of heartbreaking memories but it is a home that sheltered me all those years and I can still afford to live in it and it is now so rare and I am so blessed...

Thank you for the memories of where everything that went wrong was only on its way to going right.